Skip to main content

The weight of acceptance

 For  14 years, I refused to accept my diagnosis as chronic because I was running from feelings of defeat. Accepting that I would struggle for life felt wrong to me. I believed it was my responsibility to seek an alternative way to experience life. It was as if I heard the doctors say, "You have rheumatoid arthritis, which may be a chronic illness." For years, I lived in a state of denial, desperately wishing for the diagnosis to offer me a choice: to accept it or not.


Now, after all this time, acceptance brings a flood of tears, leaving my face wet and my heart heavy. I feel as though I have exhausted all my solutions. Perhaps I was naive, as being young and new to this made it impossible to fully accept my experience.


I feel broken, and for so long, I’ve wanted to fix myself, yet I struggle to see my own success. I’ve been hoping for a miracle, but that hope can also be painful. What if I am reaching for a miracle, but it’s not reaching back? What if we are truly not meant to find each other? Yet, I hope I am not giving up on my call to have faith. If we are meant to connect, I pray that it honors my lifelong dream by soothing my mind, healing my heart, and restoring my entire being.


Right now, I sit in this broken body, in a chair of uncertainty. This is the choice I believe I truly have, and I am embracing it. I choose to face life as it comes, experiencing each moment fully. This is me allowing my body; my love to just be and it be enough. Finally accepting her as she is—scars, inflammation, bruises, disfigurement, and all.




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Being physically, mentally and socially fit

 Staying healthy is about being physically, mentally and socially fit. I have been feeling extremely tired lately, everyone at work is huffing and puffing internally as we throw around the word "pushing" when we greet and pass by the corridors. At first i was convinced the pills am taking my body is now rejecting, i am now relieved it is what everyone is feeling and not my treatment for rheumatoid arthritis. One of these past days i woke up feeling super uncomfortable    my body was giving close to crippled bro. My reasoning behind this is most joints on my body are inflamed so my body is taking a hit. Health issues plus work can be a dead end.  Listen, I have seborrheic dermatitis, I always had it I just thought i just struggle with dandruff. I was totally unaware it’s a “skin health condition “. Now it’s on my face (foreheads , brows, side of my nose and chin) and chille… it is currently flaring, the itch is so uncomfortable. I need to visit a dermatologist very so...
Post a Comment
Read more

A gruesome morning A courageous day

It is the night of the 11th of February i get into bed i set my alarm for 4am. An hour earlier than usual because i intend to clean my house before i go to work so that when i return i am only faced with laundry for a chore. I lay down and sleep, i wake up the Lord is still sustaining me. However, i feel close to crippled. My body screams 'today is so impossible!'  I get up regardless and decide to eat a bit so i can stomach the medication and give my body 30 more minutes of rest.  I usually refuse to take meds as prescribed; two to three times a day instead i take them once in the evening to avoid complete dependency on the medication. This morning is different and calls for desperate measures. It is 4;30 am i decide to make my bed and activate my plan. I do so as i give thanks to God and express my hurt at the same time. I obviously question when is the end ever coming. I give thanks again for all i have and am able to do. like hope, like resilience, like peace while i ackno...
Post a Comment
Read more

Another way to explain my excitement

I am so excited that Mpoomy Ledwaba released a book. My girl did it! Now what’s left is for me to get my hands on it. My excitement comes from reflecting on when I started watching her YouTube videos, back when she first began on the red app. She has matured in business, relationships, and as an individual. It is inspiring and a reminder of my own potential for success. I am a girl’s girl, and I love to see girls grow and succeed. Another way to explain my excitement is that she’s the kind of person who reminds me of my own anointing. Story time So yesterday, I spent two hours in the presence of my Father, talking to Him and picking His brain. I felt so much inner peace and strength; I felt happy and liberated. I learned a lot from just three points, but I will mention two of these lessons summarized into quotes. Feel free to dissect them and interpret them as applicable to your own personal experiences. - When I am faced with a situation that tempts me to ask, “What is the point?” may...
4 comments
Read more